Weird?!
Despite a life of ministry, leadership, and working for the church I've been taking seriously the nagging sense that God actually wants me to serve as a vicar.
But what does this mean? How have I been testing this call? And what's around the corner?
I'll deal with the last question first...
What's coming around the corner
In three weeks time I will be attending a BAP. That's a Bishops' Advisory Panel, which is a 48 hour residential where 'candidates' go to test their vocation to be ordained in the Church of England. My friend, Bryony, has written a brilliant blog on what her experience of a BAP was like. It also helpfully explains the activities, which I won't reproduce here. The BAP examines me and will make a decision whether or not to recommend me for training (Nb. it's not a recommendation for ordination as such...just that I should be allowed to train in the hope they let me get ordained, although in practice it's generally one and the same thing). I might not get recommended, but I am confident that God is calling me.
Like Bryony, I'm going to Shallowford, which is a retreat house.
My BAP date is 28th-30th April.
The BAP comes at the end of a LONG process that has been going on locally; a discernment process in which I and others examine my sense of calling. It is a season of testing.
How have I been testing this call
Since April 2013 I have been under the supervision of what's called a Diocesan Director of Ordinands (or DDO for short). An 'ordinand' (by the way) is a candidate for ordination: a trainee priest. My DDO, Ann, has been amazing. She has the difficult task of working with me to discern my sense of calling to a vocation as a priest.
However, before I saw my DDO, and for many years prior, I has already been sensing God calling me. Often folk in church (and lots not in church too) would say to me things like 'You'd be a great vicar' or 'have you thought about being a vicar'...or words to that effect. Alongside my own sense of God's voice calling me, these external voices have been encouraging and haven't stopped. Even in the last fortnight I've had people affirm my sense of vocation. People see something in me, which I must admit I sometimes don't!
After all these friendly voices, I've then chatted to vicars themselves. Mostly, my old vicar, Denise, from St Augustine's in Bradford, but after joining Pudsey Parish Church I've been chatting and exploring my calling with the vicar, Paul.
With approval and encouragement from these 'professionals' I was referred to see the DDO.
Well...actually...that's not strictly true.
The Diocese (the geographical patch under the care of a Bishop) through my DDO already knew me and my background, including a significant bereavement, so they suggested I see a counsellor for a season, which ended up lasting a year. The counselling also included Jen, my wife. This was enormously important for us. It helped us work through baggage and emotional trauma from our past, whilst also examining our behaviours, individually and as a couple, and what we might need to do to protect ourselves from the ravages of stress, pressure in ministry, and the need to balance our work-home arrangements. I would recommend everyone spend some time with a counsellor, simply to help you make space to 'know thyself'.
Only after our counsellor felt it appropriate did the Diocese consider testing my vocation in any depth. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting the counsellor had to sign me off as having a 'clean bill of health' but that I was emotionally ready and able to withstand some of the pressures the discernment process might throw up, and some that might come in ministry.
In April 2013, I met my DDO for the first time. Since then we have met regularly to discuss different aspects of ministry, examine my experience and knowledge of the requirements and expectations of ordinands...
Within this process there's been other 'stuff' too...
- I wrote a biography of my life, including all the significant events.
- I produced an overview of my spiritual journey, which referenced much of my biographical material but examined how my relationship with God and my spirituality and faith have grown
- I wrote reflections on all nine of the criteria (there's a summary of the nine criteria here)
- Started meeting with a Spiritual Director, who I will continue to see
- I have had interviews at potential theological colleges, which included application forms
- 'Ministry Assessments': three separate interviews with local vicars who I didn't know. These were gruelling and threw up some surprising observations about my character and understanding.
- Meeting with the Bishop to discuss the assessments, and consider their concerns
Then there's a whole heap of preparation for the BAP itself...
- The multi-paged Registration Form
- Reflection on some aspect of mission (500-750 words)
- Prepare my BAP Presentation
- There were also FOUR references to be obtained (so not technically my work, but chewing over their content has been testing emotionally...it's so hard to read how other people perceive your strengths and weaknesses)
- Visit a counsellor for a pre-BAP session, in which we consider what might happen if I do not get recommended.
- Finally, Ann, my DDO, completes a lengthy 'Sponsoring Papers' in which she offers her observations
Phew!....
I hope you get the sense of how rigorous and thorough this process has been.
Alongside all this, we're also trying to sell our house and raise a three year old...
I feel enormous respect for ANYONE who puts themselves through this process (and I should add that my description is peculiar to me...different people may have a different journey, and different dioceses will have a variable approach...)
So what?
I've been asked today what effect this process has had on my relationship with God.
I cannot hope to explain in full the impact this season of discernment has had on my life. Right at the outset, two years ago, when I first chatted to the Bishop, he explained that I would come to realise that the process was good in and of itself. I was, at the time, uncertain what he meant. But looking back over the last two years I can honestly say I feel closer to God and my family, clearer in my understanding of what a priest is and how my individual constellation of gifts, experiences and personality fits me for that role. I am so much more comfortable in my skin - happier with what is good and determined to tackle my weaknesses. My prayer life is richer and more settled. My reading and thinking life has gone into hyperdrive - and I love it!
And yet, strangely, I am far more convinced of my non-vicar duties than before. God has been teaching me that ordained ministry aside, I am the only person on this planet called and equipped to be Husband to Jen, and Father to Elijah. No-one else is called to these unique roles. Only me.
Which is a profoundly exciting and scary realisation.
The whole thing has brought me closer to my wife and son.
But better still closer to God. And in that deepening intimacy, I have come to know myself better. I am able to be me with courage.
You?
So why did I bother to write all this down.
Chiefly, I want to let people know that I have this BAP coming. And I would welcome your prayers. I will need them. I want God's will to be done.
The 'results' will be known a week and a half after I get back, and naturally I am praying God is calling me to train for ordained ministry.
However, if I get a no, I am at peace about this too. For I have grown in this process and would know that I have a loving God and a loving family/friends around me to help make sense of the outcome.
And, finally, I will still say the prayer that has become my 'mantra' by Igantius of Loyola
Teach us,
good Lord, to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost;
to fight and not to heed the wounds;
to toil and not to seek for rest;
to labour and not to seek for any reward,
save that of knowing that we do your will.
AMEN.
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